random entry

There are moments in life where I feel like anything is possible. We can climb the highest mountain and achieve whatever we want to do in life.

However, right now I feel boxed. I feel caged. Its as if I'm in a little 3x3 cell just simply trying to exist. I feel like the song Hot and Cold by katy Perry "Your in then your out, your up then your down." suits the particular mood I am feeling right now. Right now, I'm down. I feel like I can't do anything right and its not that I have been told that, its just how I'm feeling. I need my motivation and focus back for recovery and everything but right now, its not there. Its not anywhere.

I will say that I have been eating normal and trying to. However, everyday that I do, my head tries to fuck with me even further. Its like I shouldn't be eating normal, I should be doing things to compensate for this "normal" eating... My mother was mad yesterday because I was exercising. I've gotten the energy back to do at least that but I admit, I want to do it in overdrive like I did before. exercise releases endorphins and makes me happy. I've been doing it for the last few days, maybe that is what I need today to just exercise.

I love therapy but everything is too expensive. I'd love to just solve everything on my own and just get better on my own. I know that sometimes you need to reach and call upon help when needed and I don't see that as a weakness, I think its a good thing. But for right now... I want to be in the quiet solitude of myself. I think I might take tomorrow to reflect and try to figure things out. I have a lot of sorting out to do and I just have been putting off the dealing and I can't any longer. I have been crying for a while. I feel like a failure right now. I feel like I fail at anything and everything. *sigh*

In other news, I applied for a job at 24 hour fitness and I'm applying at a couple other places. I need a full time job. I need more money I need to work more. I would love some place to hire me.

Don't have anymore to say... I'll write later.

Racing thoughts

Its been quite a while since i have used blogger. While i am fully aware that this is another in a long list of blogs, i am sure this will be put to use. My mind is becoming more disordered with each day i am trying to get better. I gave in to the laxatives last night but only took three. Today my brain is screaming fat cow and liquid fast. Two steps forward and one back. Im feeling boxed in. I need to get better. I cant keep this disorder. I cant keep not dealing with what happened last month. Flashbacks and thoughts keep flooding in. I still feel responsible deep down sigh. Plus im waiting on a period that might never come but i think it will. Hope it will. If i am pregnant im keeping it. I had the one nighter so... I have a girlfriend and i think she is amazing. We have a date tonight and i cant wait! Well hope you all are doing well. Love!