random entry

There are moments in life where I feel like anything is possible. We can climb the highest mountain and achieve whatever we want to do in life.

However, right now I feel boxed. I feel caged. Its as if I'm in a little 3x3 cell just simply trying to exist. I feel like the song Hot and Cold by katy Perry "Your in then your out, your up then your down." suits the particular mood I am feeling right now. Right now, I'm down. I feel like I can't do anything right and its not that I have been told that, its just how I'm feeling. I need my motivation and focus back for recovery and everything but right now, its not there. Its not anywhere.

I will say that I have been eating normal and trying to. However, everyday that I do, my head tries to fuck with me even further. Its like I shouldn't be eating normal, I should be doing things to compensate for this "normal" eating... My mother was mad yesterday because I was exercising. I've gotten the energy back to do at least that but I admit, I want to do it in overdrive like I did before. exercise releases endorphins and makes me happy. I've been doing it for the last few days, maybe that is what I need today to just exercise.

I love therapy but everything is too expensive. I'd love to just solve everything on my own and just get better on my own. I know that sometimes you need to reach and call upon help when needed and I don't see that as a weakness, I think its a good thing. But for right now... I want to be in the quiet solitude of myself. I think I might take tomorrow to reflect and try to figure things out. I have a lot of sorting out to do and I just have been putting off the dealing and I can't any longer. I have been crying for a while. I feel like a failure right now. I feel like I fail at anything and everything. *sigh*

In other news, I applied for a job at 24 hour fitness and I'm applying at a couple other places. I need a full time job. I need more money I need to work more. I would love some place to hire me.

Don't have anymore to say... I'll write later.